On Becoming

Cinque Terre, September 2004

When post-Christmas winter hit I felt down in the dumps!  Completely unhappy!  It was awful!  One day it all came to head.  I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  My pity party lasted all-day-long.  And my poor family had to deal with it.  I was at my whit's end with so many things in my life. I was done with myself and all my inadequacies.

I had angrily concluded that, "There is no way I will ever be able to become the person I want to become!"  I threw out tons of projects I had hoped to accomplish someday. Hoping that action of tossing stuff would stop me from dreaming of that idealistic person.  I wanted to stop dreaming of that person I thought I should be.  That perfect woman that is not me.  I had hoped that throwing out stuff would be cathartic and heal a piece of me that felt wounded.  It did not.  I still felt anger, bitterness, frustration.  I was in the depths of despair because I was not who I wanted to be!

That night I slept.  And, though, it was only the usual few hours, I felt a bit better in the morning.  The kids and Brian were still sleeping so I took some moments for myself.  I grabbed an old notebook off the shelf and sat on the sofa.  With my pen in hand I thought about what I needed to do to find myself again; how I might find peace with myself.

I opened that notebook, thumbed through some old pages, looking for a fresh one to jot some thoughts on.  One page caught my eye; a page I had written some notes on nine years ago.  It was a page full of thoughts, similar to what I was about to write.  It was a simple brainstorm of potential goals--about 30 items.  It was January 2003; I was a newlywed, living in Pittsburgh.  I had titled it Things I Want To Do & Become.

I scanned the list.  Within moments big, huge tears rolled down my cheeks.  The anger and frustration vanished.  I was humbled.  The peace came.  The answer to my longing was right on that page I had written nine years ago.

I had accomplished almost every item on that list.
I became the woman I wanted to be.
I am that woman!  

That spry, young, 24 year old, who wrote those goals almost a decade ago has become the woman she wanted to be.  She became someone greater than she ever thought possible.  I know she would be amazed.  I know she would be proud of me. 

And, so with the blessing of that forgotten page, I begin again.  I have learned a lot about progress, patience and how God works quietly and constantly in my life.  He is in the little details; shaping me day by day.  God is ever present and it is only with His help and guidance that I have accomplished so much and become who I am.*

And now I'm ready to continue to conquer the world.  I can and I will!

...one tiny step at a time.

*I have reread (and love) Dallin H. Oaks' talk The Challenge to Become.  He says, "We must not give up hope.  We must not stop striving.  We are children of God, and it is possible to become what our Heavenly Father would have us become.


After publishing this post I decided to publish the list I had made nine years ago.  You can find that list here.

Isabella's Amazing Race

Yesterday we went to the New York Road Runners Youth Jamboree held at the Amory (a huge indoor track in Washington Heights, about the size of a city block).  The Youth Jamboree is a free track and field event open to all the kids in the city.  It was insanely busy with thousands of kids and even more crazy parents.  Since Isabella is a good little runner and her p.e. teacher encouraged her to attend we dedicated that morning to her and two races.  She ran the 55 meter dash and the 200 meter dash.  She competed with girls who were in Kindergarten and 1st grade (her division).

She started the morning with her 55 meter dash at 9am.  It was the first time she ran a race like that so she was a little slow to start, but did great.  We had a 2 hour break before her 200 meter race so Spencer (Brian's brother) coached and practiced with Isabella (all in fun and games) to help her do a little better on her next race.

With so many kids participating there was a lot of waiting involved, but when it was Isabella's turn she looked ready.  We had to stay up in the bleachers and watch.  Brian caught most of it on video, but I'm going to try and explain what happened.

A little background: Since there were so many events going on simultaneously different guns would go off and kids would often dash out at the wrong time because the gun was fired for a different race.  This problem happened over and over again.  

From my perspective:  The kids were getting lined up, Isabella was put on the outside lane.  An official was escorting two kids around, a gun went off.  Isabella dashed out, the official (with the kids was right in front of her) stopped her.  Isabella went back to the start.  (We all assumed it was another false start.)  But the other officials were yelling at her to run.  And all the other kids were already 1/4 of the way down the track.  (I couldn't believe it.  I felt so angry and frustrated for her!)  Isabella shot out like a firecracker.  She ran so fast and hard!  Half way through she was passing all the kids, one after another.  It was amazing!!!

She almost placed 2nd or 3rd, but she wasn't sure how to get around the two girls in front of her, who were running shoulder to shoulder, so she slowed down.  I couldn't believe how fast she was!

Part of me wanted to go yell at the officials, but I remembered to keep my cool and show Isabella how excited I was for her.  She was so strong, so fast, so determined.  I am so so proud of her!

And now, the video...

You can see her behind everyone and her speedy recovery.  See the person on the track in black, on the far left of the screen, that's the official blocking Isabella.  It's hard to see Isabella at the finish, since she's right behind the other girls...but enjoy.  I think you can enlarge the video so you can see her better.  And the photos below show the story as well.

Isabella's Comeback from Kiasa Carini on Vimeo.

And here are some fun photographs from the event:

At the ready for the 55 meter dash.

Dashing 55 meters

waiting

Lined up for the 200 meter dash

BUSTED!
This shows it all!
The other runners have already started; the official, and two kids, are walking right in front of Isabella.  
I'm saying, "What the $#%^@?!?!?

Full speed ahead!

3/4 of the way there and passing everyone.

She's stuck right behind those two girls!  GO ISABELLA!!!

Victory Cone!

I'm so impressed and proud of her!!!!  You go girl!

Right Now: Macaroons

It's free macaroon day in NYC! Each of these tasty treats usually goes for $2.50 each. Score!

P.S. Pistachio is my favorite!!!

P.P.S. Lemon is also awesome.

Right Now

Enjoying the St. Patrick's Day Parade on a beautiful spring day with my boys.

Favorite Things

One of my favorite things about being a mom to little ones is finding random things put in random places.  They are kind of like little, fun surprises.  Surprises that make me smile and remind me this home is very much their home.  I love it!

Like, the magnetic letters I found the other day, in the mixing bowl, deep in the cupboard.  Or the little pair of shoes placed perfectly in the closet opposite the shoe closet--no wonder I couldn't find them.

This one, below, made me smile this morning.  These little legos were played with right up until it was time to go to bed.  They were placed so attentively under a table at the top of the stairs, waiting and watching for the little one to wake up and play with them again.

These little ones of mine bring so much magic into our home.  I love it!  I treasure it in my heart!

My Life...in Numbers

Years lived: 34
Number of children: 3
Years I've been married: almost 10!
Years I've known my awesome husband: 15
Number of siblings: 6
Number of siblings I share my birthday with: 1
Number of nieces and nephews: 15
Number of houses/apartments I've lived in: 19
Age when I got married: 24
Age when I became a mom: 28
Number of cars I've owned: 2
Number of strollers I've owned: 2
Number of countries I've been to: 5
Years I've lived in New York City: 7
Years I originally planned on living in New York City: 1

And, yes, today is my birthday!  And, my older brother, Seth's birthday!  It is a wonderful day and I'm grateful for my amazing, abundant life.

Yesterday Isabella whispered in my ear, "I know what you want for your birthday.  Lots of hugs and kisses...and flowers."  She is so right!

Right Now

Spending an amazing, beautiful afternoon on the Staten Island Ferry.

I {love} ramen!

Ramen is awesome!

No, not that $0.25 packaged brick of noodles that can keep for a million years.  I'm talking about real ramen.  It seems to be the new food fad here in NYC and I am loving it.  (Much better than some of the overhyped, overpriced dry cupcakes that were/are all the rage.)

Last weekend we went to Ippudo.*  A Japanese food chain that recently came to NYC.  If you want to venture there be prepared to wait a long time.  As in, bring a snack and go wandering around the hood for two hours.  Yes, you might wait as long as two hours.    Ippudo opens for dinner at 5pm, we got in line at 4:30pm to put our names on the list.  We were seated around 6:30pm.  I guess I'm not the only one loving this ramen craze.

The food is totally worth the wait.  It is so delicious!  Ippudo was surprisingly accommodating and child friendly (with special kids dishes!).  The kids behaved so amazingly well and we had a great time.

I ordered the Shiromaru Hakata Classic

Spencer ordered Kasane Black (the current special)

Brian ordered Akamaru Modern with Bakudan  (Ippudo's original spicy paste) on the side.  They were all delicious. For the kids we ordered edamame and plain noodles.

One of the things I love about Ippudo is Kae-dama*.  If you've devoured all your noodles but still have plenty of broth you can order more plain noodles for $2.

*We are also big fans of Totto Ramen in Hell's Kitchen.


**I love how they explain Kae-dama on their menu:
Kae-dama is a system that offers you an extra serving of noodles.  When you have almost finished your first serving of noodles, order by saying, "Kae-dama, please".  In a few minutes the server will bring you another 'ball of noodles', and put it in the soup. At that time, you must have enough amount of the soup in the bowl to accommodate the new noodles, that is, you shouldn't drink much of the soup if you are going to order the Kae-dama.

California Recap

I have so many beautiful moments I want to record and remember about our trip to California this year.  It was a beautiful vacation.  But, for now, here are some of my favorite photos:

purely adorable

a blue bellied lizard

almost all the cousins on my side (4 of the older ones--most in college--are missing)

soaking up that sweet spring sunshine

Grandpa and Grandma Jones (Brian's grandparents) in San Luis Obispo

horseback riding at "Paula's Ranch" in Monterey

Happy Hollow (in San Jose) with cousin Sabrina

Dillon Beach, one of my all-time favorite places

Simon is two days older than his cousin, Marek.
 They were due the same day and share a very sweet, smiley disposition.

Many Mini Miracles

Do you ever have those seasons in life when you are ready to make a change, do great things, resolve to be a better person?  And then the whole world seems to collapse at that same instant and your ready to throw in the towel?

You know, like, flying home from an awesome vacation, but ready to begin anew.  Get a fresh start on life back at home.  I was totally there.  We travelled home from California all day Saturday.  I was excited.  Spring was on the horizon in NYC, I was feeling refreshed and ready to get back into the swing of things...only better.  I was making those resolutions: eat healthy, run every morning, no more shows for the kids, etc.  Sunday was going to be the big day.  I was ready to plow full steam ahead and make life better.

I woke up Sunday morning in pain.  I had the worst sore throat I'd ever experienced; I was pretty certain it was strep.  I was cranky and exhausted.  I couldn't swallow anything.  It persisted.  I couldn't get in to see my doctor until Tuesday.  On Tuesday I woke up my eye was crusted shut.  Strep and pink eye??!!  Come on!

It was time to give up and give in.  I was ready to turn on the movies for the kids while I just sat like a lump on the couch and browsed pinterest.  I headed to the doctor and was there for two stinking hours with my two boys.  (I would have dropped them off at a friend's house, but I was worried they might be sick with what I have.)

What was amazing was the miracles that started to happen:

**Oliver slept the entire two hours in the stroller while at the doctors office.
**I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in years and was inspired and uplifted by her, her spirit and energy.
**I don't have strep.  Only a really bad virus that is attacking my head and throat.  I'm finally feeling better this morning.
**Ibuprofen is amazing!
**My two boys are actually both napping, at the same time, right now!  My insides almost burst with joy when Oliver zonked out watching a "moo-iee" while I cleaned up a bit this morning.

But the biggest miracle of all:

Yesterday after two grueling hours at the doctors office I came home.  I walked in the door.  The lights were on.  I was a little nervous.  It smelled a bit funny too.  And there was a strange sound coming from the kitchen.  I walked into the kitchen and instantly teared up when I saw this:

The Danby Designer Portable Dishwasher
(please excuse Oliver's silly expression:))
(and, yes, that is the actual size of our entire kitchen)

Brian came home during his lunch break (while I was at the doctor) met the delivery guys, set it up, threw the dishes in and let her run.  Isn't she beautiful!  (The funny smell was that glorious scent of a brand spankin' new appliance right out of the box.)

Maybe it is all so silly that I am so in love with this little appliance, but I am.  My heart literally goes pitter-patter when I hear her purr and swish.  (Maybe it's because I'm sick too. ;0))  

I'm sure that day will come when I will take her for granted.  When I've forgotten the many hours I stood at the tiny sink scrubbing dishes.  When beads of sweat would sting my eyes as I scrubbed dishes during the hot, humid summer.  Or when I had to stand, twisted sideways, with my hip to the sink, so I could scrub dishes when I was hugely pregnant.  But for now, and I'm sure for many months years, I will adore this little machine.  I guess my efforts to want what I have, rather that wish for more, have been fairly successful.  I didn't realize how much I really wanted one until now.*  

Brian, 

THANK YOU!!!  

You know how to win your woman's heart!

*We had  done a lot of research and almost bought this machine (used, off craigslist) a few times, but it never worked out.  And I had, in a sense, given up and just didn't think much about it the last few months.  Life demanded other things and I was content with the abundance I had.  It was a complete surprise!

The Lost Tooth

One late night in Paso Robles, Brian and I were waiting not-so-patiently in our hotel bathroom while the kids fell asleep in the hotel room. We were all tired from driving all day in the rain on our way to visit Brian's grandparents in San Luis Obispo.

After numerous attempts to get the kids to sleep we thought we were successful until a little knock sounded on the bathroom door. Out of frustration I firmly bellowed, "Go back to bed!" The little knock came again. I opened the door. Isabella squinted from the bright light, held out her tooth in her palm and grinned a bloody grin.

She had finally lost her first tooth!

I love how in her mind (and a bit in my mind too) loosing a tooth is a right of passage. She's been wanting a loose tooth since she started school and was surrounded by kids bragging and sharing stories of lost teeth. This seems to be the beginning of the passage from little kid to big kid. For me, it's exciting and scary at the same time. She really needs to stop growing up!

 

 

After all the excitement and photos we put her tooth in a little container, she stashed it under her pillow and promptly fell asleep. The instant she woke up in the morning, she flipped over on her knees looked under the pillow and excitedly retrieved her gift from the tooth fairy. And then she shook her daddy awake to share the exciting news.

Later that day, from the backseat of the rental car, she inquired, "Did you really leave the money under the pillow?"

Hmmmm....

 

 

 

Sunshine + Family

I try and come to California every February for a couple of reasons; but the main reason is to escape NYC during its dreariest, coldest season and soak up some California sunshine while visiting my wonderful family.  With NYC having one of its most mildest winters ever I was wondering if I had timed my trip all wrong. But my sunshine state does not disappoint. Northern California is also having a very mild winter, or should I say early spring. It has been sunny and in the mid 60s everyday this week (well, except the one day it wasn't, but I've already forgotten that).  (Usually it is a little cooler and rainy in February.). Yesterday we played outside in the 70 degree sunshine all day!  It was amazing, fabulous, and so good for my soul. 

 

 The last time we were able to visit I was 7 months pregnant with Simon and Oliver wasn't walking yet. As much as I wanted my kids to go exploring, it was exhausting for me to chase Isabella around my mom's few acres. But this time feels so different. With Simon on my hip I can chase after Isabella and Oliver almost all day.  It is so much fun!  

 

 Three of my five brothers: Kayle with Kate (Brett's baby), Sean with his Marek, and Brett with my Simon.

Yes, Sean and Brett (my "little" brothers) are twins. When Isabella first saw them (it's been a long time since she's seen them together) she quietly came up to me, a bit perplexed, and said, "Your brothers look...the same."

There is an age gap between the oldest cousins and the younger ones. Which actually makes for some very fun playmates, extra helping hands and awesome babysitting while we visit.  This is the amazing Emma becoming reacquainted with Oliver (aka making him laugh really hard).  I love that my older nieces and nephew completely adore my kids. 

All Terrain Vehicles

My older brother, Kayle, is a great brother. The kind of brother that always knows how to show everyone a good time. A brother who has lots of fun toys and generously shares them with us.

We love riding Kayle's ATVs around my mom's few acres. Even though I drive slow and steady the kids always beg for more. I think Oliver is addicted to riding them.

My Amazing Flight

Our flight out to California was epic. Three little kids and one mama. People said I was crazy. Other people said I was brave. I didn't think much about it, other than I wanted to go visit my family in CA and that was the only way it was going to happen.

That's not to say I wasn't nervous. I was crazy nervous! The few days before we flew I kept playing over and over us checking in, getting through security, getting to the gate, getting onto the plane, etc, etc, etc. I thought I had it down. No problem!

Well, until I checked my bags and the guy told me I'd have to check my stroller too because the wheels were too big. When I told him I could just take the wheels off he looked at me like I was crazy. Which I was. He was adamant. I almost started bawling. Of all the things I worried about, loosing my stroller at the beginning of the trip was not one of them. Luckily my trusty ergo save the day, again. Luckily Oliver was so excited to get on a BIG plane he was willing to obediently walk by my side the entire time. Luckily Isabella was her usually amazing self and carried the kids bags and held Oliver's hand. Luckily going through security was the easiest it has ever been (since I've had kids). Luckily everything I actually did worry about never happened.

We were so blessed (other than loosing the stroller) the entire trip. The fight was only half full (or should I say, half empty). Each of the boys slept 2 hours at different times. The flight attendants were super sweet and helpful. The whole flight went so well.

It was beyond AMAZING!